Category: Coronavirus lay-off

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The Time I Didn’t Wait (CV Lay-off Week:10

Last week, we found out that Tim’s furlough was extended again, this time, until July 31st. Naturally, we wonder how many more extensions are in our future and what that looks like for our family. 

Psalm 27:14 is such a word to remember in the waiting. It says, “Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD.” 

Often times, when we think about the word, wait, we might get the idea that it’s a passive act. On the contrary, when we wait upon the Lord, it is an action. The Hebrew definition for wait means: to look for, hope, expect. When we wait for the Lord, we place our confidence in Him with hopeful expectation.

The time I didn’t wait

Last year, I wrote about a time that I didn’t wait on the Lord. Summer was quickly approaching; our daughter, Sarah, was away working at a camp for the season, and Justin was a few weeks launching out on his own. Tim’s new position at work would require some travel, and it would be me at home with our three youngest boys. I decided that I needed to do something for myself. 

I thought, why not start a furniture business? So, I began acquiring great vintage pieces to paint and market. I jumped in with both feet, and soon our garage was filled with treasures. But, every time I prayed about it, I sensed the Lord saying, “No, wait.” Still, I continued to paint and collect more pieces. I prayed about it again, and I received the same response, “No, wait.” 

Well, one morning, I woke up and said to myself, “What am I waiting for? Maybe God didn’t say no; I probably heard Him wrong.” That day, I created my Facebook business page, took countless pictures, and began listing my furniture. I was pleased with myself.

Friend, the VERY next day, we lost Justin. 

God said, “No, wait.” for a reason. He knew what I would be facing, and a furniture business would not at all fit into my journey. 

I share this story because lately, when my anxiety peaks, I’ve found myself thinking, “Hmm, maybe I need to start a side-hustle.” But, I learned a valuable lesson with my short-lived furniture business; no matter how bad I want to feel in control, it is always better to wait on the Lord. If He tells me to start a new business, now that’s a whole different story, isn’t it? 

So, for now, I wait upon Him.

You might be asking, what does waiting look like? How do we wait upon the Lord? Psalm 37:5 gives us some great insight on the matter. It says, “Commit your ways to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.”

The word commit means- to roll, to roll away, roll down. 

Do you see it? It’s a similar picture of 1 Peter 5:7, “Casting all our anxieties upon the Lord because he cares for you.” In our waiting, we are pushing, rolling all of the cares, questions, and concerns upon the Lord as we wait upon Him to act. Indeed, there is nothing passive about waiting. 

If you are in a season of waiting like me, set your gaze on Jesus, Friend. Take courage in the wait, stand firm with confidence; the Lord is faithful, and He will bring His plans to fruition. 

Until tomorrow,

Missy

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD.        Psalm 27:14

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Hoping in the Shadows CV Lay-off Week 8

The first year after we lost Justin, we walked through a series of trials that left my head spinning. The air conditioner stopped working mid-summer; our car broke down, the garage door malfunctioned, and the fridge was leaking. My final tipping point was when I walked into the garage and found a pool of water coming from our water heater. I walked right back into the house, locked myself in the bathroom, and cried, “How long, O’ Lord, will you forget me forever?” (Psalm 13:1a)

Earlier today, as I was shampooing the carpet, I remembered how, in my early days of grief, my mind played in a continuous loop. Oh, how I wished. I wished I would have stopped Justin from going to the lake. I wished I could have somehow known it was my last good-bye, and I love you. I wished I could take away my children’s pain. I wished with all of my heart that I could change our reality. 

Lately, a similar train of thought has been running through my mind. Tim’s furlough began almost eight weeks ago. Today, the travel industry is down by 96% from this time last year. The possibility of him returning to work at the end of June seems very unlikely. I long for normalcy, for Tim to be back in his home office on a call helping a client. I wish for a different reality.

I don’t know about you, but when I am in the eye of the storm, I get a sinking feeling the Lord has forgotten me or worst yet, He doesn’t care. Amid such tumultuous thoughts, my best defense and refuge is reading the Word. There, in the Scripture, my mind is renewed in the truth, and I remember His character. When the sky is dark, and we know not what to do, the Word is our sustenance and our compass to right our thoughts.  

Today, I went to Psalm 27 and listened to verse 14 over and over again. It says, “Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD.”  When I looked at the STRONGS Concordance, I noticed that vs. 14 read, “Wait patiently for the Lord at the beginning of the verse and then again at the end.

Wait patiently means to wait, to look, to hope.

Dear friend, instead of wishing away our problems, the Word instructs us to wait for the Lord, look to the Lord, and to hope in the Lord. It is not a one time practice, but a minute by minute reliance upon Him.  And in our waiting, He sustains us with His unfailing love by the power of His Spirit. In this truth, we can be of good courage.   

Until tomorrow,

Missy

A prayer in the waiting

Dear Lord, you are ever so patient, you know my frailty, and remember that I am but from dust. In my distress, please help me to wait patiently for you. I know not what to do, but my eyes are on you.  I love you, O’ God, my strength. 

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Pilgrimage of Trust

A few nights ago, I found an old journal from the year 1991. My first entry included the details of a God orchestrated event that still leaves me in awe today. I, at eighteen years old, was a young Believer; and unlike the majority of my peers, I had no plans for the future. For months, I sought the Lord each night, asking Him to show me my next steps. His answer would come the day after I graduated from high school.

Early that morning, I received a phone call from my pastor, asking me if I would like to be a summer intern with a ministry based in Mexico. My job, he said, would be to help church groups coming from the states build houses for families in need in the heart of Mexico. If I were to agree to go, I would need to be ready to leave in three days. When I inquired about the financial aspect of the summer, I was dumbfounded when my pastor told me that our church was paying for everything. 

Without a doubt, I knew this opportunity was my long-awaited answer. Three days later, I was on my first plane ride donned in my blue jean overalls and a straw hat with a big floral bow attached to the side. And that right there was where the cuteness ended because the rest of the summer was one of the most exacting experiences I have ever faced.

From the beginning, I was in way over my head, and I knew it. On our first day of training at the job site, someone asked me to bring them a 2×4. I remember the look on their face when I wondered aloud how you could tell the difference between a 2×4 and say, a 6×8? Ha! I had no previous construction experience, and deciphering a blueprint was, at best, laughable. One of the natives, Felipe, who worked for the ministry, took pity on me and invited into his family’s home for the weekend and patiently taught me the basic principles of framing. Thanks to Felipe, I’ll never forget the carpentry term, “California Corner.” 

Throughout my ten-week long internship, I cried many tears, and I was exhausted. But I learned what it meant to be in a constant posture of dependence upon God. I was indeed “pressed on every side, but not crushed…” (2 Corinthians 4:8) No matter how badly I wanted to pack up and go home, the Lord faithfully gave me the strength to face another day. In hindsight, my lack of experience and knowledge mattered little. Ultimately, God did not send me to Mexico to teach grown men how to build houses. He sent me to Mexico to teach me how to trust Him.

One night after we lost Justin, I stole away in my bedroom to gather my thoughts. My eyes were full of tears, and my mind was going in circles as I tried to understand God’s plan. At that moment, God reminded me of my Mexico experience and how I learned to trust Him on that long and hard road. In the same way, I knew I could trust Him at that moment, even though I would likely never understand. 

Today, I am lifting my shield of faith and drawing upon my experiences of the Lord’s tender care. I don’t know what our future holds, but I know that I can trust Him to see us through.  

Until tomorrow,

Missy

“Trust in him at all times, oh people, pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.” Psalm 62:8

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Walking Forward in Grief CV Lay-Off Day:45

We celebrated Luke’s ninth birthday last week; his big birthday wish was to go camping. Tim and I have camped in the past, long before we met each other. But we’ve never gone camping together as a family. When we moved back to Arizona four years ago, learning how to camp was on our bucket list. But, after losing Justin, our family went into survival mode, and that bucket list went on the backburner.  The more we thought about Luke’s request, the better his idea seemed to us. We needed a change a scenery.

After much preparation, we headed out on the open road, late Friday morning. Our destination was a State Park on the border of Arizona and New Mexico. Google said it would take 3.5 hours to get there; it took us much longer. It was a long, slow ride through mountain roads with hairpin turns of which I am not a fan. And then, as we were entering another canyon out in the middle of nowhere, our check engine light came on. After finding a safe place to pull over, Tim got out, popped the hood, and couldn’t find any glaring issues. Once back on the road, we eased down the mountain terrain until we reached the next city, which was about 60 miles away. In the meantime, we prayed for safety, and I tried in vain to get a signal on my cellphone just in case we needed to find alternative lodging.

We made it without incident to the auto supply store. The kind gentlemen ran the code on our truck and determined that something was clogged in our airflow system. (I am sure there a better technical term for this, but this is the best explanation I’ve got.) Somehow, the problem corrected itself, and the check engine light magically disappeared; we were back in business. An hour later, we rolled into the State Park and found our campsite. The lake immediately magnetized the boys; they couldn’t wait to skip rocks and see frogs.

Everyone pitched in to set up camp, and before I knew it, it was dinner time. We went with easy and had hot dogs and beans. Afterward, the family roasted marshmallows and ate smores; I even brought my 90% dark chocolate so I wouldn’t feel left out. Chilled by the cool breeze coming off of the lake, we huddled around the campfire with the smell of burning mesquite wood filling the air. The stress of the day melted away as we gazed at the stars and marveled at God’s handiwork. The boys headed to bed first. I smiled as I listened to their giggles and watched their shadows dance against the red nylon tent.

In truth, the preparation leading up to our outing was a good deal of work. Adding to that, all week long, I felt like I was walking upstream. The night before we left, the night of Luke’s birthday, I stood in our kitchen, enfolded in Tim and Sarah’s arms, and wept. Justin’s absence is especially magnified on special days of celebration. Justin loved camping and being out in the wilderness. I know that he would have been all over this trip, hyping up the boys, and making us all a little crazy every step of the way.

In the end, I am so glad that we went on our adventure. We learned a lot for first-timers, and have a better idea of what to expect for the next time. Mostly, I am grateful that we bonded as a family; we came home a little closer and a little lighter. In my book, that’s a win.

Stepping out and doing something new amid grief will never be easy, but in doing so, the Lord meets me with His healing balm and provides His touch of comfort. Even in the littlest of things, He cares.

Until tomorrow,

Missy

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

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View From My Window CV Lay-off Day: 39

When I was a young girl, I often sat in the backseat of our car and gazed out the window. I wondered about other people’s lives in the car traveling down the road next to me. In 15 seconds, imagined what their homes might be like, how many kids they had, and contemplated what problems they might from day-to-day. 

Last week, a friend invited me to a new Facebook group called “View From My Window.” The group compiles more than two million people from all over the world. The idea behind the group is to help people know that they are not alone. The members share a picture with a view from their window; they include the country they’re in and the date the photo was taken. Often, an individual will share a little of their story with their picture-these are my favorite posts to read. 

It’s been quite a journey looking through another’s lens, and getting a glimpse of what life is like in diverse places that I will likely never visit. I am gobstruck by the fact that the entire world is on hold, sheltering in place; it’s unprecedented for our time. 

Recently, I read a Brazillian woman’s post. She wrote that she is sheltering in place with her ill 88-year-old mother as her two daughters, who are both young doctors,  work in a COVID-19 ward. She added, “My heart is tight, but I’m trying to be strong.” I wish I could hug that woman.

Yesterday, my heart ached when I read Carol’s story. She shared that she and her husband are now empty nesters after losing their seventeen-year-old daughter in a car accident last year. She shared how she felt relief that the rest of the world slowed their cadence, mirroring her new reality. At last look, more than ten thousand people showered Carol with condolences and well-wishes. Her pain did not go unnoticed. 

A few days ago, a man posted a picture of his backyard. Old buckets and plywood laid strewn throughout the dirt, and weeds had attached themselves to the rickety wooden fence. I cannot remember his caption except that his sarcasm and whit made me smile. His post hit a nerve, and person after person shared their relief that they weren’t the only ones with less than the ideal view. I do remember one older woman commenting, “Look at all of your lovely wooden flower boxes, looks like you’ve got work to do.” That made me laugh out loud. 

A few days ago, I received a thoughtful message from a woman I’ve never met. Mia wrote that her son was killed almost two years ago in a tragic mishap. She wrote to encourage me to keep telling my story and added, “It’s making a difference.” The thing is, we all have a story to tell. For the Christian, ours is a story filled with redemption and hope, and we’re selfish not to share it. 

Today, I finally took of the view from my front window. At first glance, you might notice the baseball-sized hole in the bottom right corner panel, thanks to our resident slugger. But, if you look a little further, you’ll see the large dirt field. It was empty this morning, but for the last week, plows and tractors have filled the air with their deep hum from morning to dusk. The farmers have been busy plowing the land for their next cotton crop. We’ve had dust for days, but it’s worth it because once the cotton takes root, and the bushes begin the bloom, the sea of green and white is a sight to behold!

In many ways, I can see how my view resembles my current circumstances. Much liked our cracked window, so am I in my grief-stricken state. And, like the plowed-up field, the process of healing includes the uprooting of my heart.

J.R. Miller once wrote,

“Sorrow offtimes is God’s plow. We dread pain and shrink from it. It seems destructive and ruinous. The plow tears its way, with is keen, sharp blade, through our hearts-and we say we are being destroyed! When the process is completed, and we look upon the garden with its sweet flowers, growing-we see that only blessing, enrichment, and beauty are the result. We complain of our suffering, but we cannot afford to have suffering taken away.” The Work of the Plow” (Grace Gems)

That last line, “we cannot afford to have suffering taken away,” I get it! Because it’s been here, in my most profound hurt that the Lord has pulled me close to Himself. In my “ruin,” I have tasted and sees that He is good, even when it hurts.20200428_181420_0000.png

Until tomorrow,

Missy

 

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Forget Not, Even When It Hurts CV Lay-Off Day:35

My heart has been in my throat most of the day, and it took me until dinner to pinpoint my angst. I miss Justin. I still find it nearly impossible to understand that he is gone fully. This morning as I walked, I was grateful for the empty sidewalks that gave me the freedom to allow fresh tears to drop without inhibition.
I guess in hindsight, that should have clued me that this might be a tough day. But, the thing about grief is that, sometimes, it’s sneaky. It clouds your mind with countless unintelligible thoughts while stealthy depleting your energy reserve. And, grief, coupled with the added stress of Tim’s now extended lay-off, has me feeling a smidge undone.
One of the most impactful lessons I am learning since losing Justin is how to lament and simultaneously remember God’s character. In my “before,” I did not want to sit in my heavy emotions and wait for God to comfort me. Instead, I skipped the lament and eased my ache on my own terms. But, after losing my boy, the previous coping practices that I honed so well were inadequate in the face of such anguish.
Today, I am learning how to express my guttural moanings with my eyes fixed on the Lord. It’s like practicing Psalm 62:8, “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts before him; God is a refuge for us.” while remembering who God is as described in Psalm 103:1-5

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.

The term “forget not” in verse two means- to forget, ignore, wither, to cease to care.
Oh, friend, this is a good word for the pilgrim walking through the trials and hardship. When the weightiness of grief rests upon our hearts, and despondency whispers our name, and let us resist the urge to stop caring. Instead, let us run to our Savior and yield to the perfect Comforter. His tender balm reaches down to the deepest crevices of our hearts, heals another layer of our broken hearts.
Even when it hurts, let us not forget not His benefits; He is always faithful.
Grieving with hope,
Missy

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An Update CV Lay-Off Day: 33

Today, we got word that Tim’s company extended his furlough. Initially, their goal was to bring everyone back on May 14th; now, they are hoping for June 30th. The travel industry has taken a hard hit, so this turn of events is not shocking. Even still, it is not the news we were hoping to receive.

For the last few days, I have been camping out in Ephesians 6:10-20. Today, verse 10 especially caught my attention.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.”

I like what my ESV note has to say about vs. 10: “Because Christians cannot stand on their own against superhuman powers, they must rely on the strength of the Lord’s own might, which he supplies chiefly through prayer.” 

Would you know that I woke up feeling extremely vulnerable? I had 10,000 thoughts coursing through my mind before I got my first sip of coffee, and that’s just not right. On my walk this morning, I knew it was going to be a Psalm 91 kind of day, and immediately pulled it up on my audio Bible app and played it on repeat.

And you know what I realized? Psalm 91 and Ephesians 6 pair together beautifully. Read those two back to back, and you’ll see just what I mean. I might add, all of this happened before I knew about Tim’s employment situation.

In this, I see the hand of God; He was so kind as to prepare my mind to take refuge in Him and prompt me to pray. Since I have my boys at home, my prayers are often short sentences scattered throughout the day, but God hears every one of them.

I will add, for a good part of the morning, I waited to feel strengthened. But, sometimes, God’s strength does not become evident until you are square in the middle of the storm.  I don’t have any more answers than I did yesterday, but nevertheless, my heart is settled with His peace. And for that, I am thankful.

Until tomorrow,

Missy

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When Mama Loses It CV Lay-Off Day:32

When I was a new mom, I promised myself that I would not use the term, “shut-up” when disciplining my children. And then, one day, I took Justin and Sarah to ROSS; they were probably around six and four years old at the time. As I turned for a quick second, Justin and Sarah decided that it would be fun to hide in the middle of the racks of clothing. When I turned back around, they were gone. My heart dropped as I called their names until I heard a familiar giggle. In the blink of an eye, my fear turned to anger. I grabbed my purse, took their little hands, and marched them directly out of the store and to the car. As I worked to buckle them in their seats, they began to protest and whine. I slammed their door, got in the driver’s seat, and shocked all of us when I yelled, “SHUT-UP!”

I was devastated. I did exactly what I didn’t want to do; I lost my temper and used the very phrase that I had worked so hard to avoid. Once we were almost home, I apologized to Justin and Sarah and asked them to forgive me, to which they readily offered me grace.

When our daughter was nine, the Lord added to our number, and our third child was born. After Sammy, we had two more boys, Luke and Josh. Let me just say, having three boys back to back is much different than having one boy and one girl. My boys’ energy is off the charts; they wrestle, they’re loud, and I’m not even shocked when another something gets mysteriously broken. Although I have been a mother for twenty-three years, I still face some of the same challenges that I did as a young mom. 

My husband and I often say that this parenting gig is not for the faint of heart; it’s the hardest and most rewarding job you could ever have. At this time, two of my sons are struggling with anger rooted in the loss of their big brother. It’s quite a challenge to deal simultaneously with discipline and grief. The best thing I can do is pray and ask God for wisdom beyond my years and for eyes to see how to best minister to their little hearts.

Sadly, I lose my patience more times than I care to admit, and “shut-up” still erupts from my lips before I can stop it. In such times, the apostle Paul’s words deeply minister to my weary soul, 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

Isn’t that a beautiful truth? We boast in our weakness, for there, His strength is made perfect. Now that’s a good word. 

Until tomorrow,

Missy

p.s. Dear Mama, if you are feeling discouraged and worn out, here’s one of my favorite songs by Andrew Peterson, “Be Kind to Yourself.” I hope you love it as much as I do. 

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When We Don’t Understand CV Lay-Off Day:30

About a year ago, as I was scrolling through Facebook, I read a headline from a social news site about someone’s child dying. I made the mistake of reading through the comments, and I’ll never forget the woman who wrote, “Well, I pray for God’s protection over my children every day.” I thought about writing back, “Well, so do I, but sometimes God has a different plan.”

The day we lost Justin, I prayed for him and his safety. I asked the Lord to protect him. When the sheriff’s deputies arrived at our door early Sunday morning, I was dumbfounded. When the shock wore off, I was hurt and confused. 

I accused God, saying, “Lord, I asked you to protect Justin, and you didn’t. Why didn’t you protect him?” His response is the most gentle rebuke I have ever received. He reminded me of Job 38:4-5,

“Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements-surely, you know! Or who stretched the line upon it?”

The Lord so kindly put me in my rightful place. He is the Creator, and I am His created one. God does not answer to me; I answer to Him. I would have never chosen to lose my son, and I doubt I’ll ever understand why his allotted days were only twenty years. But, I trust that God is who He says He is, and ways are higher and thoughts are higher than mine. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

On the night of the accident, as I lay waiting and praying for Justin to get home, I began quoting Scripture to soothe my anxious thoughts. As I recited Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the LORD with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” the Lord caused a pause in my spirit. I immediately knew something was terribly wrong. It would be a good while down the road before I understood what that pause was all about.

I simply could not wrap my mind around the “why” of losing Justin. I would cry, “Why, Lord, why did he have to die?” One night, as I asked yet again, “Why?” the Lord brought to mind the night of the accident as I lay in bed praying. I remembered how He impressed Proverbs 3:5 upon my heart, and then, I finally got it. It was like He was saying, “Missy, trust in me with all of your heart. Don’t try to understand why; trust Me.” That settled it for me and gave me rest in my soul.  

Today, I have more questions, but I also have hindsight. Now, I know that I don’t have to have to understand God’s plan to trust Him. He is who He says He is, and He is always faithful. 

Until tomorrow,

Missy

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Hope that Surpasses Fear CV Lay-0ff Day:28

Christmas was in the rearview mirror, and the new year was only a few days away. My social media newsfeed contained post after post laced with excitement for 2020. I, on the other hand, felt complete dread. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get excited about a fresh new year. 

Things came to a fever-pitch one evening as I was preparing dinner for my family. As I stood with my back to my boys grating cheese at my kitchen counter, tears ran down my cheeks. I felt so anxious, I could hardly speak. No matter how hard I tried, I could not shake the feeling that another tragedy was imminent. 

Just as I turned to retrieve a bowl form the island, Psalm 23:4 sprung to my mind, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” I knew, without a doubt, the Lord was speaking to me. 

Instant relief ran through my entire body, and God’s peace settled upon my heart. A mini-movie played through my mind of all the ways that the Lord cared me for since losing Justin. I remembered the way He drew near and comforted me with His presence, and soothed my shattered heart with His healing balm. I thought to myself, even if 2020 held more trials and heartache, I would be okay because the Lord Himself would be with me. 

Today, almost four months later, I am circling back around to that same truth. Because, sometimes, the unknown future feels like a long and dark hallway, and it is frightening. But, the truth is, no matter what trial we might be facing, we won’t face it alone. The Good Shepherd will be with us, and He will sustain us once again. 

Until tomorrow,

Missy

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