Trusting God in Suffering
It was a few weeks after the accident and our pastor came to our home to spend some time with us. My mind was grappling for answers and our lives were in a whirlwind of chaos. Luke sat with Tim and I for several hours as we shared our hurt, pain, and confusion. I remember pulling out my Bible and opening to one of my beloved passages of Scripture from Psalm 91:14-16:
Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When He calls to me I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.
In tears by this point, I shared that I felt like maybe God was angry with us and wondered if losing Justin was a punishment of some kind. Why didn’t he keep Justin safe, why didn’t he give Justin long life like Psalm 91 talks about? Did we, his parents, do something wrong? The inner turmoil that I felt was nearly unbearable because every single criticism I ever received as a mother was playing on repeat in my mind. My fears and insecurities were raising their ugly heads shouting at me and telling me that I failed Justin because I didn’t keep him safe. I remember Luke looking me in the eyes and confidently telling me that these thoughts were lies from the evil one. He said that the actual word Satan means accuser and that he was “sataning-accusing” me. He went on to remind Tim and I of the character of God and the beautiful Gospel of Jesus Christ. Oh, how we needed that fresh infusion of truth.
We are now 10 months without our dear Justin. The last two months have been laced with much heartache and trial. There have been several dark days filled with grief added with financial pressures and the everyday stresses of raising a family. Once again, the accuser whispered his lies; “God’s forgotten about you, He’s angry with you, etc.”. On one of those days, not too long ago, I hid in the bathroom for a moment and in tears asked the Lord to please bring us relief because it was just too much to endure. Later that morning, he met me with his Word as I was reading through Mark 1:9-13;
In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. And when he came up out of the water, immediately he saw the heavens being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. And a voice came from heaven, “You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.” The Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. And he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted by Satan. And he was with the wild animals, and the angels were ministering to him.
I read it once and then I read it again; Jesus was being baptized, the heavens are suddenly torn open, and God the Father is proclaiming, “You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.”. Immediately the Spirit drove him out into the wilderness and for forty days he was tempted by Satan. Do you see it? He was not in the wilderness because he had done anything wrong, the Father was well pleased with him. It was His good plan all along, what a paradox!
And just like that, in a matter of a few moments, my heavy heart was lifted; my despair was replaced with hope. I practically ran into Tim’s office and showed him the passage in Mark 1. I confessed that I had been listening to the lies from the pit of hell and he rejoiced with me as I told him how wrong I had been for entertaining such thoughts. As I write, I am reminded how faithful God is and how much I love his Word, what treasure we find there! I love how it is described in Hebrews 4:12, “The word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.“
Through the Word, the Lord in His kindness, revealed the contents of my own heart and showed me my error. I must not lean on my own understanding or allow my emotions to navigate through grief; I must look to my God and his Word. In the early days after we lost Justin, my emotions were raw and although the lies were not matching up with my theology, they nearly over powered me. While in the throes of trials and suffering, it is tempting to live in the emotion, but it is imperative that we press into Jesus and cling to the Gospel, for there we find unwavering hope. We must search the Scripture to know the character of God in order to combat the lies whispered to us by the enemy of our souls.
Every day, I am learning to trust the Lord in new ways. Our external circumstances remain the same, but my hope is anchored in the Lord. There is no peace like the peace that God provides.
Forever held in His grace,
Missy
John Eli
I admire your faith. May God bless and keep you. 👍👊💥
keepingmypromisejustin
Thank you, John. He is faithful!
Susan Evans (@SusanCEvans)
“Do you see it? He was not in the wilderness because he had done anything wrong, the Father was well pleased with him.” I LOVE THIS!!! Wow, just wow…
keepingmypromisejustin
Thank you, Susan!
WendyC
I needed this today. Thank you for sharing!
keepingmypromisejustin
Love you, Wendy! ❤
WendyC
Love you, too, Missy! Philippians 1:3
keepingmypromisejustin
❤ ❤ ❤
Donna Miller
Missy this is just beautiful! God is turning your ashes into beauty. I am tearing up as I write this. But your heart is so precious !!! In all that time of deep suffering, the lies of the enemy almost overtook you, BUT you never turned away from the Lord. You kept pressing in and pressing in. The incredible grace from Jesus that covers you is so beautiful and is seen by all! Praying for His comfort to balm your heart today and keep you strengthened until you get to see Jesus face to face and give your son a hug again in Heaven! Much love to you my sweet sister! 🌹
keepingmypromisejustin
Donna, I am so grateful for your encouragement. Thank you always for your prayers and your loving and caring heart. ❤
1blogify2
This is a really beautiful post. There have been times that the only thing holding me together was a scripture verse on a piece of paper in my pocket. What a beautiful memorial of your son this blog is as well a incredible legacy for your family!
keepingmypromisejustin
Yes, this!!! His Word is our lifeline!❤
hisdearlyloveddaughter
Oh Missy, I can so relate to this! It was the example of Jesus that pulled me out of my deepest moments of grief as well! The realization that if He endured betrayal and He was perfect – betrayal was not tied to fault or inadequacy. You are so right about the Word of God. It is such a precious gift from our loving Father – as is His Son!
I am continually inspired and encouraged by you sweet friend! You are a treasure! Praying for you often.
keepingmypromisejustin
Thank you always for your tender heart and encouragement! ❤
Inkblots of Hope (@InkblotsOfHope)
Such heartfelt wisdom in this post of yours, Missy! Yes, I’ve had wrestles with Psalm 91 as well. The doubt came to me years ago. If this is truly a promise of God’s protection why did [fill in the blank happen]? But then I realized my error. I was placing my hermeneutics before my exegesis- not realizing that this was first a promise to God’s people at the time. It can still hold truth for us today, but I forgot that I needed to look at the culture and context in which this passage was written *first.*
I also love what you said about Jesus-our perfect savior-who was led into the wilderness. It certainly wasn’t for His wrongs in which He faced trials, yet He is known as the man of sorrows. I love this quote from Dorothy Sayers which compliments what you were saying,
“For whatever reason God chose to make man as he is— limited and suffering and subject to sorrows and death—He had the honesty and the courage to take His own medicine. Whatever game He is playing with His creation, He has kept His own rules and played fair. He can exact nothing from man that He has not exacted from Himself. He has Himself gone through the whole of human experience, from the trivial irritations of family life and the cramping restrictions of hard work and lack of money to the worst horrors of pain and humiliation, defeat, despair and death. When He was a man, He played the man. He was born in poverty and died in disgrace and thought it well worthwhile.”
And as a side note: thank you so much for sharing your heart with us! I can only imagine it’s not easy. <3
keepingmypromisejustin
Beautiful quote, Sarah!
It’s so easy misinterpret Scripture and take it at face value…until you are walking through the storms of life. Beautiful word, thank you for sharing your heart. ❤
Bailey
It’s so easy to think He has forgotten us. We need to remember the truth of His word instead of focusing on our feelings.
keepingmypromisejustin
Absolutely, Bailey!!🙌
Terri
Beautiful! When I lost my mother in a horrible accident when I was 14 yrs old, I felt God was punishing me, that He did not care that I needed my mother and that losing her meant that I was entering a nightmare I couldn’t get out of. I felt abandoned by God. It took many months for me to realize that He never left me, never forgot me and was right there with me, loving me all along. I found peace with God and understanding. Thank you for sharing your emotions and your faith with us. God bless you!