There Will be a Day
Nine months is quite a significant number to any mother. I carried Justin, our firstborn, to full-term counting down the days with eager expectancy. I spent numerous hours preparing for his arrival and tried with all my might to imagine what it might be like to be a mother. While I was full of anticipation to meet him, I was also petrified that in some way, I would ruin him. I eagerly listened to radio programs like Focus on the Family, I searched the Scriptures with a new set of eyes for wisdom, and asked as many questions as I could think of to other Mom’s that seemed to know what they were half-way doing. In the early days of his life, my biggest prayer was, “Oh dear Lord, please don’t let me mess him up!”. Truth be told, nothing fully prepares you for motherhood until you are holding your precious little one in your arms and an unstoppable bond transpires.
In the same way, nothing prepares you for your child’s death until you are walking in that very reality. For nine months, I have struggled to adjust to Justin’s absence. In this journey of grief, sometimes it’s the simple things that are the most difficult to bear. I look at his empty chair that sits at our dinner table and I am reminded of the many conversations and outbursts of laughter that once filled that space. I see his portable speaker and immediately can hear the music that once played at its highest volume faithfully blaring throughout our home while he sang out tone-deaf at the top of his lungs. I gaze at his enormous whiteboard etched with co-worker’s names, Scriptures, and beautiful truths and my heart brims with both joy and sorrow. With a grateful heart, I remember that no matter what went on during the day, there was always an “I love you” at the end of the night. I still smile when I think of my twenty-year-old son tenderly saying, “Night, night, Mama. I love you.”
Justin was quite taken with Heaven and talked about it often. I remember him repeatedly exclaiming, “Won’t Heaven just be wonderful!” or “Aren’t you excited to go to Heaven?” I confess that my reply was not at all elegant and I would usually say, “Yes, Justin, Heaven will be so wonderful. But please stop, you are freaking me out. I want you around for a long time.” We cannot go back and change the past, but I do wish I would have breathed in those specific moments with him and lingered there. It is obvious that the Lord in His kindness was giving him a glimpse of eternity. I do not beat myself up over such things, but I do take note of my limited understanding.
Now, I am no longer “freaked out” by one of my children contemplating Heaven, I welcome the thought of how glorious it will be. Justin had it right, his hope was anchored for what is to come. Now more than ever, I long for the day when He will wipe away every tear from my eyes and death will be no more. Gone will be mourning, sadness, and pain. The striving will be no more, and I shall see my Savior face to face. I will touch his nail scarred hands and my eyes will see what my heart has believed! “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12 There will be a day that I am reunited with our dear Justin and we will worship the Lord together. I am certain that I cannot begin to imagine the pleasures of Heaven, but oh how it fills my heart with great joy to think on such things.
As for now, in the waiting; gone are the days when tears were a rare commodity, now it seems I have an endless supply that flow freely from my eyes showing up whenever they please. I am no longer alarmed by their presence, in truth, I have become so accustomed to them gliding down my cheeks that I am convinced that one day, I will have permanent grooves as a remembrance of what once was. I do not loathe these tears for I am reminded that “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:17 To this I say, Come soon, Lord Jesus!
Until that day,
Missy
berlee88
I have no words but peace be with you. I couldn’t imagine being in your position but our Heavenly Father does.
keepingmypromisejustin
Thank you! The Lord is truly faithful.
Alynda Long
Oh Missy! I love your transparency and authenticity in sharing your grieving, loving Mama heart with us. My middle daughter (she’s eight) often speaks of heaven too. I often respond the way you did with Justin and I am going to try to move past my human fears and earthly hopes to embrace that dream of our eternity together with the Lord. Praying for your peace during your journey of loss.
keepingmypromisejustin
Alynda, thanks so much for your encouragement. To see Heaven through the eyes of a child is a beautiful thing. Our nine-year-old asks many questions, especially now.
hisdearlyloveddaughter
This was heartbreaking and beautiful all wrapped up together! What a blessing to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that your precious son is with Jesus… but, oh the pain of a mother’s empty arms, and the longing for all the things that might have been.
I am so thankful for your testimony of faith as you weather this storm. May it bless many. And may God continue to hold you close on the long road of grief ahead. Praying for you and your family sweet friend!
keepingmypromisejustin
I so appreciate your tenderness, empathy, and encouragement. <3
inkblotsofhope
I have tears in my eyes–I am so, so sorry for your loss, Missy, but wow, what a great morsel of truth you shared here. Thanks for sharing your heart!
keepingmypromisejustin
Thank you!! May the name of the Lord be lifted high. <3
Donna Miller
I am in tears Missy. This is so beautiful! I was nodding when you said your tears will make grooves. That is beautiful. I am praying for God’s sweet presence to carry you through until your journey here is complete and you can be reunited with Justin in the Lord’s presence. ❤
keepingmypromisejustin
Donna, there will be a day….<3 I am so grateful for you prayers!!
chuckkralikauthor
Thank you for your post today, Missy! Very authentic and well-written. Best wishes!
keepingmypromisejustin
Thanks so much, Chuck!!
Tara Florance Adams
This post was beautiful & sad at the same time. I’m sorry for your loss. We should all more than anything look forward to heaven. Eternal life in peace is far better than the best life here.
keepingmypromisejustin
Thank you, Tara! Sometimes it takes losing someone so dear to bring this reality home. <3
Tara Florance Adams
You’re absolutely right!
Carri
A poignant and emotional description of two distinct nine month periods in your life, at once both heartbreaking and soul-stirring. Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal post.
keepingmypromisejustin
Thank you, Carri! <3
thisgratefulmama
There is such a need to share words like these-honest, deep and with hope of heaven. Thank you for being bold and authentic. Your words will help countless others walking in grief. Thank you.
keepingmypromisejustin
Thanks so much for your encouragement! <3
Susan
Beautiful, Missy. As always your words leave me with tears and a reminder of just how special and fragile life is and how much I long for heaven. I know this sounds crazy- but had to let you know- we were driving to the coast and I was reading this post in the car while my husband was driving, just as I finished reading I looked up and saw a street sign – Justin Way. I smiled and wanted to share that with you hoping it would make you smile as well.
keepingmypromisejustin
Susan, I just LOVE that; smile achieved! 🙂 Thank you for you kind words, you are a true encouragement!
modernhadassah
Beautiful post. Your honesty with grief is encouraging. I had a miscarriage two years ago now, and the pain of loosing someone who is a part of you is still real at times like reading this post. I’m glad for it though. So that I can feel a measure of the loss you feel and pray for you sincerely from a stricken heart. Everyone processes these things differently. I’m glad you have chosen to write about it to help others as well. Truely beautiful!
keepingmypromisejustin
I am so very sorry for your loss and your perspective is so very endearing to my heart. Thank you. <3
iz
I cannot imagine the pain you went through (and still go through). But God is faithful and is near to the broken-hearted. I pray He continue to minister to you and comfort you.
keepingmypromisejustin
Thank you, He is indeed so faithful.
evelynpadilla
I can’t imagine, but I’ll tell you this. You have not given up, stayed in HIS word, and sought after HIM in times that many would have given up! For that, I know HE is pleased! Your faith to not only continue on, but to still believe God after this is what God will use to help so many others through their hurt, loss, and brokenness! I commend your faith! I pray continued strength, wisdom, and blessings in Jesus name over your life. To God be the glory!
keepingmypromisejustin
I apologize, I am just seeing your comment! Thank you for your encouragement , He is faithful always. ❤