I remember when our nine-year-old Sammy was just a baby. There was quite an age gap from Sarah to Sammy and I was trying to adjust to having a little one again. One Sunday after church, someone asked me if I thought we’d have any more children. I think I may have gasped! I said something to the effect, “I can’t even begin to imagine, my cup runneth over.” This sweet little mama just looked at me and said, “If the Lord adds to your family, He will be faithful to sustain you.” I have held onto those words for years.
Soon after the news of Justin’s accident, I thought back to that conversation once again. I would whisper to myself, He will sustain me, He will sustain me. And then, O’ God, please, sustain me! It was a few weeks after the accident at this point and I began to feel confused and angry; I wasn’t “feeling” sustained! I was feeling the deepest pain and anguish that you can ever imagine. Where was God and why wasn’t he sustaining me? I cried out to him, Lord, where are you? You said you would sustain me, but I am still hurting!
Honestly, I don’t know exactly when he answered me, but he did. I realized that my understanding of sustain meant that God would take the pain from me. I thought that somehow he would lift it and I wouldn’t hurt so deeply.
Dear one, he is sustaining me, it is just not at all in the way I imagined. The weight of my grief is heavy. He doesn’t make the pain disappear, but he is with me in the pain.
- He illuminates my heart to his Word and I partake in a heavenly fellowship with him.
- In the intense moments of despair, he is the lifter of my head.
- He provides songs of comfort for my grieving heart.
- He helps me to look back and reflect on His goodness as I remember all of the rich time that I got to spend with Justin.
- He provides for our family’s financial needs as we are in crisis mode.
- He makes a way for my husband and me to have date nights and connect for some sense of normalcy.
- He has provided for our dear Sarah and is taking care of her in ways we could have never imagined!
- He has provided a beautiful group of ladies a.ka. the “Hot Mess Sister’s”, I will write more about them one day.
- He has provided family counseling for us where we have been assured that this grief is not a life sentence for our family; he is our Healer!
- He gives us laughter in our home with three precious little boys to care for and a legitimate reason that I MUST get out of bed every day.
These truths are still being worked out in my heart. This I know, “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” Psalm 103:8
He is most definitely sustaining me for I have this hope:
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10
Resting in His sustaining grace,